My New Old Life

Before I continue on with my childhood stories I thought maybe I owe an explanation to my followers as to where I've been for the past 4 or so months. 

Whenever asked, as a child, what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was a very honest and passionate, "to be a mother."  I never considered the husband part (obviously for those of you who know me well :-)).  I just wanted to keep having children to provide me with the unconditional love that was absent in my life as a child.  I never understood why the Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe was so miserable--when I recited this rhyme to my own children she "kissed" them all soundly instead of beating them.  Bitch.

Wellllll....I did become a mother--I actually got married first.  The first time.  Then divorced when my precious Alexandra was 9 months old--husband #1 was looking for a trophy wife and I just wanted babies.  I didn't care about travel, vacations, or any other such marraige-type things--just babies.  Him, not so much.  So, here I was alone with a baby at 20 years old.  Still wanting a husband to make tons of babies with--you'd think that would be an easy thing to find, huh.  Not so much, really.  Just the baby making part, not the marrying and/or staying part.

I had two more babies.  No marriage either time.  In fact, the fellas scattered like cockroaches upon the good news.  But I didn't care.  I had my babies.  My unconditional love. 

But I began to get lonely for adult interaction--I had my babies and ran a daycare out of my home.  All the unconditional love one could ask for.  But the song "Desperado" (Eagles) hit some definite nerves.  Damn it, yes, my feet got cold in the winter-time, I was losing all my highs and lows and it WAS funny how the feeling (goes) away. 

So I prayed.  And prayed and prayed and prayed.  And God sent me Mike.  He was handsome, loving, romantic, and best of all, when I got pregnant, he stayed!  And wanted to get married.  He wasn't interested in any more children but I let him slide on that one.  I tried to warn him when he asked me to marry him that I was crazy. That I didn't do well with others.  That I was very used to being in charge of me and my children.  He said we would be happy together forever and I conceded.

Fast forward 4 years.  I knew I couldn't do it.  I was just made to be alone.  Mike is a good man but we are too different.  He was angry, pessimistic, and full of rage.  I suggested we move to a small town far away where people are kind and there is little crime and that would make him happy and we would be okay. 

Ummmm...not so much.  Now instead of angry people and high crime rates, we have unpaid debt and not enough income to feed our children--anger, rage, pessimism go nowhere.  He did try to hide them around me but the tension level in our home was unbearable for everyone. 

My Alex was still in Florida and now having children of her own who I could not visit due to lack of funds, I hadn't made any friends outside of work in the three years I spent in NC, and Mike and I were miserable together.  I prayed to God, asking for a sign--I said, "God, if I'm supposed to go back to Florida, please give me a sign."  As I said it I was near a patch of clover so I added, "let me find a 4 leaf clover."  I was at work, went inside to the classroom and was sitting at the computer, disappointed because I didn't find the clover.  Toni (the teacher in our room), walked over to me and handed me a huge four leaf clover.  I closed my eyes and said quietly, "but God, did I really find it?"

I agonized over the meaning of Toni's clover all night.  The next morning at school, I asked my co-workers what they thought, and being women, they couldn't agree so I decided that Toni's clover was not my sign.  I went for a walk with my sweet Jared (one of our students) who has no ability to communicate.  He's 8 years old and generally is led everywhere in his life so when we went on our daily walks, I would just let him go wherever he pleased and i would follow.  On this particular day, he slid his hand into mine and led me to a patch of clover where he stopped and sat down.  So I sat with him and began to look for my sign.  I immediately saw my 4 leaf clover, but I questioned God again, "Is it really a clover God because the leaves are rounded instead of heart-shaped?  Is this really my sign?"

Jared again took my hand and walked a bit further until stopping yet again.  This time I looked down and right at our feet was a 5 leaf clover with perfectly heart-shaped leaves.  I looked up at Jared who was standing above me as I picked the clover and he beamed.  I stood up and asked him if he was one of God's angels and he smiled the most beautiful smile and held my hand tightly for the rest of the walk.

Over the next week or so I was inundated with 4 leaf clovers.  My co-workers found them and gave them to me, my children found them and I even found a couple more.  I have them all neatly pressed in the back of my bible which I try to read each night before going to sleep or each morning before starting my day.  Please don't think I'm a bible-thumper--far from it.  I was just raised with very little religious training so I'm trying to figure it all out on my own--it's not easy.

So I'm back in Florida.  Life has returned to my smile.  I see my friends and my granddaughter whenever I like.  I make enough money to pay my bills again.  Life is damn good.  When I moved into my new home--on 10 acres with a horse barn that I will someday fill, I lifted my bible out of the bag where I had been keeping it, and all the clovers fell from the back of it onto my bedroom floor. 

I'm home.

Jen ;)