Sunday, March 7, 2010

She's Got Legs

A few months have passed since my first real punishment.  I'm still in the fourth grade physically, but I haven't really been there since I became aware of the terrible injustices that exist for me.  Dad can pull me out any time he pleases, teachers cannot be trusted, and the other kids cannot relate to me nor I to them.  I have come to despise all that school is--bullies, cliques, know-it-all teachers who really don't know the half of it, and going over and over the same material I've already learned a million times.  School is stupid and I will no longer be a part of it.

Mrs. Gregaydis, however, disagrees.  She lets my laissez-faire attitude go for quite a while because, really, my grades are not suffering--I'm still getting perfect grades on all of my tests even though I haven't done any homework in months because, like I said, I've learned this material a million times before.  But she can no longer stand my lack of work and poor attitude--don't get me wrong, I'm never rude or disrespectful, just disillusioned and maybe a bit sad.  After all, school has always been my escape and now that's been taken from me.

She makes the phone call home.  Again.  Damn her.  At least this time she waits until it's time to go home to tell me, so I don't have to stew in in all day.  How kind of her.

I pray that Mom answered the phone because usually Mom will keep things from Dad if she knows the information would be detrimental to us.  She's one of us in my mind.  One of the victims.  One of the weak ones.  It's Dad against the rest of us. 

My walk home fills me with stomach knots and a throat hardened with stifled tears.  Each step feels as though someone has strapped 10lb. weights to my scrawny legs.  As I near the corner where I can see the front of my house, I see that there is no car parked in front!  No car = no Dad = no punishment!  For now.  I'll take it! 

The weights are lifted from my ankles and my stomach knots loosen a bit (they never really disappear.  Never).  I get to the front porch, constantly looking back, expecting to see Dad pulling up in the car behind me. If he does pull up, what do I do?  What do I say?  The knots begin to retighten until I get into the sanctity of the empty house.  The big, empty house is heaven with only Thor, our Great Dane, to greet me.  How I wish he was one of those protective dogs like I've seen in movies and on tv.  But he's afraid like the rest of us.  He's been beaten down by Dad one too many times. He, too, is one of the weak, subservient, subjects of Master Dad.  Sorry Thor and thanks for the hug--I really need it right now.

Thor, you are one of those strong currents that make beautiful music as it passes by my big rocks.  I can still feel the strength and warmth of your neck beneath my hugs.
Jen ;-)

7 comments:

  1. I'm not liking where this is going...of course, I never do. I love you.

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  2. Every child needs a Thor, a dog for unconditional love and understanding. My heart is breaking again for you.

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  3. I have been trying to comment on your blog since you posted this. I am enamoured with your writing and the candor with which you share. I struggle with it, because it's so terribly close to home... You and I have lived such similar lives. I can only read so much, and I have to get up and walk away. But I am addicted and I always come back. Thank you for being a voice - a voice that so many of us needed whilst growing up in the environments that we've now survived. And such and eloquent and frank one at that.

    Thanks again.

    - R.

    (And yeah, this probably should have been an email. Sorry.)

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  4. I love your blog. Hop over to La La land and pick up an award you got waitin' for ya.;)

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  5. I will have an award for you on my blog in the morning!

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  6. Jen...I'm always at a loss for words when I read your writing. But it always, always moves me. And however dreadful the story is...it never fails to make me feel inspired. Inspired by your courage. Inspired by your strength. Inspired by your obvious talent.
    {{{hugs}}} darlin'.

    Thank you, once again, for continuing to share your story; your journey.

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  7. Gio,
    This is Mike....Please don't comment on things that you truly have no knowledge about.

    ReplyDelete

 

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